I know I’m in a good mental, emotional & spiritual place when I am *creating* work that flows out of me with privacy & ease. What do I mean by this? When I produce content from a place of insecurity, I seek validation from peers and strangers on the internet. Ugh. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it, until I take a step back and question my motives and intentions. After I had Ella, my relationship with the internet as a whole has undergone a major transformation.
I used to blow up my YouTube channel with weekly posts, constant *link in bio* references, and just an endless supply of mediocre hooplah. Honestly, I enjoyed it. And I think it was coming from a good place, fulfilling my endless desire to create and create. But I did it in front of strangers on the internet and couldn’t seem to do it only for myself. A few months after I had Ella, I stumbled on my YouTube channel & literally *cringed*. I couldn’t even recognize the person that I was looking at. My priorities were off. I cared way too much about likes and subscribers. And here, in a random corner of the internet, laid an embarrassing archive of my past life that I couldn’t even relate to anymore, for anyone to stumble upon. AHHH. Again, it all just makes me cringe hahahaha.
Growing up on the internet is a weird thing. Artifacts of your past self float around for anyone to stumble upon. Anyway, I turned all those videos to private. I made a vow to myself to not move back into that direction, to create a healthy relationship with the internet and how it relates to my internal creative clock. You see, it’s hard when you’re a creative type. You constantly want to create, create, create, and you can get sucked in by a culture that constantly wants to consume, consume, consume. You start to feel validated I guess, but it’s not coming from a healthy place. At least for me it wasn’t.
So, here I am. I’ve taken a year off from YouTube, stopped caring about my Instagram and I’ve lost over a thousand followers. I’ve filmed a lot of home videos that will never see the light of the internet. I started a business that is actually growing and taking on a life of its own, yet I am trying to decrease how much I mention it on this account. I’ve been blogging a lot, simply for my own means of creative expression. These efforts have made me happier, believe it or not. I wish I could grab ahold of myself a few years ago and just say, GIRL! Stop trying so hard! Be true to yourself. Be present in this moment. Create when you feel like it and let it energize your spirit, not your newsfeeds or notifications.
Sorry for the long post, but this has really been reeling around in my mind a lot over the last year. And I hope it doesn’t come across as preachy, because it’s still something I have to remind myself of often. Social Media can be great with the appropriate boundaries, and I guess that’s all I’m really trying to say is boundaries = happiness. And I just feel more happiness in my life right now than I have in a really long time!! I love working on my blog and knowing no one else really sees it. I love working on my business and keeping it separate from my identity. I love capturing videos and memories that I hope Ella will value someday. I love having a life that no one on Instagram or YouTube gets to know about except anyone who asks. And I love experiencing travels and memories without thinking about having my hair done because I want to photograph or vlog throughout the day.
I’m more present now. I’m more grounded. I’m creating from a place of overflow. Yet, I still am decently involved with things around here. I love coming on Instagram and being inspired by my friends, watching funny videos and sharing cute moments of Ella. It’s just understanding what you’re getting out of the internet and what you’re not willing to lose from it. Does that make sense? I could go on forever and I should really wrap this up now. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read some of my thoughts.
Love to you all,